Let’s face it: the phrase “I have some feedback for you” can make anyone’s heart race. Whether it’s a jolt of anxiety or a wave of defensiveness, many of us have strong reactions when faced with feedback. I used to be the one who felt my stomach drop and my pulse quicken. My colleague Eric, on the other hand, would lean in, turn red, and brace for a showdown. Sound familiar?
Here’s a comforting thought: Both reactions are perfectly normal. But why do feedback interactions trigger such intense responses? The answer lies in our biology. Unlike many animals that can fend for themselves early on, human toddlers depend on social connections for survival. Our very existence relies on maintaining these social bonds, which makes feedback—essentially a review of our social standing—feel like a potential threat.
Research from the past 15 years reveals that the same brain regions responsible for processing physical pain are also activated when we encounter social threats. This explains why receiving feedback can be as painful as a stubbed toe!
Having trained on various feedback models throughout my executive career, I’ve learned that understanding the neuroscience behind feedback can make a significant difference. Here’s how we can better navigate this tricky terrain:
- Timing and Setting Matter: The way we deliver feedback is crucial. If feedback threatens someone’s perceived status, it’s best to keep it private and choose an appropriate time. For example, if someone has a big presentation coming up, it might be wise to postpone feedback until after the event, unless it’s critical for their preparation.
- Build a Trusting Relationship: Effective feedback hinges on trust. If the other person knows you care about their growth and have their best interests at heart, they’re more likely to view your feedback as constructive rather than threatening.
- Stick to the Facts: When giving feedback, focus on specific behaviors and their impacts. Use the SBI (Situation, Behavior, Impact) framework:
- Situation: Describe the context.
- Behavior: Detail the observed actions.
- Impact: Explain how the behavior affected you or others.
Avoid creating narratives or making assumptions about the person’s intentions.
But wait—there’s more to uncover! The NeuroLeadership Institute (NLI) has found that feedback givers often experience stress nearly as high as those receiving it. Both parties face heightened stress levels, which suggests that no one truly benefits from the feedback process as currently practiced.
So, what’s the feedback ‘hack’? Simply flip the script and start asking for feedback. Sounds like a game-changer, right? Here’s why this approach works, according to brain science:
- Increased Clarity: By asking for feedback, you know exactly who will provide it and what it will focus on.
- Enhanced Specificity and Usefulness: When you ask someone to give feedback on a specific area, like your strategic influencing skills, you receive targeted and actionable insights.
- Strengthened Relationships: Asking for feedback shows that you value the other person’s opinion and are open to improvement, fostering a collaborative dynamic.
- Greater Certainty: Setting a time for feedback discussions ensures you know when to expect it, reducing anxiety about the process.
By actively seeking feedback, you not only make the process less daunting for yourself but also ease the stress for the giver. This proactive approach helps establish a culture of open, reciprocal feedback—a crucial element for any thriving organization.
As leaders, we can model this feedback ‘hack’ to build a culture where feedback is seen as a tool for growth rather than a threat. Embrace the science, role model openness, and watch as a healthy feedback culture takes root in your organization.
References:
- Does Rejection Hurt? An fMRI Study of Social Exclusion
- NeuroLeadership Institute Community Connect
- Managing with the Brain in Mind
- Social pain and physical pain: Shared paths to resilience
Curious about how to harness feedback more effectively in your organization? Reach out to me for a consultation and take the first step toward building a feedback-rich culture.
